“You can’t change the fruit without changing the root”

Stephen Covey 

I clearly see no sign of reservation and tell him so. I make my point steadfastly that I do not have time for this and that I have to work. He counters back with how this is his seat and this is where his computer is supposed to be. This is his place.  I repartee; curtly, disgruntled and with the hairs on my neck getting prickly like a grizzly bear about to charge — I do not have time and I have to work. I am at loggerheads and the wall facing me is five years old. 

Can you think of a time when something like this has happened to you?

Was there one moment in time when you realised that in order to change what you were receiving you had to think and act a different way? Perhaps even try something new? 

This was my interaction with my nephew. I have my work seat. This is my seat and I have been sitting on this special chair, everyday for the last 2 weeks, facing the wall with the window to my left. Its mine because I always sit here.  Yet, here comes this little guy as I was about to plant myself to start working. My head was a busy autobahn with ideas travelling at great speeds. As I was about to sit down he comes to me to tell me that I have to sit somewhere else.. that this seat is reserved. 

He holds his ground.

My nephew is determined. He says this is where his Grandmothers computer has to be because the plug to charge it lays next to it. Im losing this battle. I want to and need to get this work done 10 minutes ago. My temper feels like a volcano, rattling and rumbling and just waiting to go off. 

And then it hits me right in my chest. 

I ask him a question. What if, when he wants to use this seat he lets me know and I move. 

He looks at me, shrugs his shoulder and says sure, no problem. 

We smile warmly at each other, give each other a buddy high-five and I tell him to enjoy his play while he tells me to enjoy my work. 

We part as friends. 

He does not intrude on my work and when he has to come into my work room.. he trickles in quietly and whispers very politely if he can ask me anything. And when he does, Im happy to disconnect from my work and give him as long as he needs. To give him my full undivided attention because well.. he deserves it. My work though as important as I think it is, and it is, I have come to realise that human relationships are far more important and far more fragile. 

Being curt, being blunt.. not listening to what he’s trying to say would hurt him and corrode our relationship. Trying to salvage a broken relationship, if we even can, will take far more energy than maintaining it by giving him just 5 minutes of my undivided attention, compassion and love. 

Perhaps this is the secret to maintaining relationships.. any and all relationships.

How often do we, and I mean I, act out of instinctual anger and frustration instead of compassion? I have come to learn that compassion might not be natural for all of us. It might instead be a muscle to be developed — and its not developed overnight. 

What makes it stronger are the little daily tests when someone interrupts me when im busy, when things dont go my way or someone says something hurtful. Why does feeling pain make me want to cause pain?

Yet.. realising that the other person might not even realise what they are doing and that they probably do not have any ill intentions.. thats a truckload.

A brand new idea. 

My friend Victor taught me something last new years eve which I will never forget. As we were drinking this delicious French Bordeaux from the 80’s.. he asked me what the wine tasted like. I described it as I tasted it..smooth, earthy, hints of dried spiced fruit, currants.. bits of pepper…. etc. When finished I asked him what did it taste like to him. I will never forget his reply. 

It doesn’t matter. Everyone tastes the wine differently. You might love it and I might hate it. You might taste spiced pepper and blueberries.. I might describe the same wine as tasting like mud. Who’s to say who’s right? Does my liking the wine make it a great wine? Does my detesting the same wine make it inferior? Everyone is different, everyone has a different opinion and thats great. I do not have to agree with someones opinion but, I can learn to accept their opinion. It’s theirs and its ok.

I do not need to change my opinion to fit in with yours but, in learning to accept your opinion I keep the bridge between us connected. 

Such a simple message and I remain dumbfounded to this day. Such a simple message and yet so challenging to practice. 

Am I always going to be able to do what I did with my nephew; to show him compassion when im frustrated? The answer is no.. but I can try. Theres no such thing as a perfect parent or a perfect person. In trying, in practicing daily and in learning from when I stumble and make a mess.. I learn and learn again. Life always gives us another chance — we only have to see it when it comes and take it with open arms. 

My message to you today: the next time you start feeling frustrated at or by someone.. ask yourself, how would you react if this person were a cute 5 year old child?

Prefer to listen to this instead?

Self Empowery

Self Empowery is dedicated to personal growth. We believe that we can do better if we want to and that with a little help (even if its only from our friends).. the destination gets closer. It’s also a little bit more fun.

Know someone who could use a hand? Maybe its a team, a company or a couple — we are flexible and we will do our best to help you help yourself. For more information on our services, look us up@ www.selfempowery.com.

Remember.. You matter.